If Harry Potter was written by the insane
by Harry-on-Crack
Summary: A series of crack!fics centred in the wizarding world.
1. Hagrid's transportation

Disclaimer: we do not own this.

Also, this is not to be taken seriously. It's a crackfic from start to finish. And features Hagrid riding a segway. If that caught your interest then read on :D

"Are you serious?" Harry asked, looking at his freckled friend as though he were mad. Or drunk. Maybe both. You can never tell with those gingers.

"Yeah," Ron said, leaning in surreptitiously. Harry found himself too, leaning in and he was hit with a strange sense of de ja vu...gay chicken at the last quidditch party was all to fresh in his mind.

"I heard it last night. This...odd humming noise. Like...a motor. It...," he began to whisper, presumedly so none of the younger years in the common room could hear. Or he might just like to whisper...you can never tell with those gingers.

"...it seemed to be coming from..." his voice dropped an octave, and Harry had to strain his ears, and face, to hear it.

"..._Hagrid's hut,"_

_..._

"Is that it?" Harry asked, leaning back. Ron looked offended.

"What do you mean 'is that it?' It's a mystery! That's what we do, solve mysteries!"

"...you make us sound like Scooby Doo..." Harry whispered.

"What," Ron blinked. Harry shook his head.

"Never mind, just a show about a dog,"

"A show? Dog?" If it were possible, Ron became even more confused.

"Yeah, they solved mysteries with a talking dog," Harry attempted to explain. Ron blinked...again.

"What's this about a dog?" a voice asked them. They looked up to see Hermione, book in hand, gazing quizzically at them.

"It doesn't matter," Harry sighed.

"What does matter..." Ron used this moment to interrupt "Is the mysterious humming noise coming from Hagrid's hut,"

Hermione raised an eyebrow at Harry as though to say 'are you serious'. Hermione raised her eyebrows very frequently. Harry wondered if one day the eyebrows would rise, like the sun in the east , but never come down, trapped forever in the sky that was her bushy hair.

"Harry are you even listening?" Hermione snapped.

_No Hermione I was too busy fantasizing about your eyebrows..._

"Yes," he said sheepishly. Hermione looked suspiciously at the boy who never seemed to die, but continued none the less.

"As I was _saying, _you know as well as I do that Ron will never stop talking unless we go 'discover'" she bunny quoted the word "what is making this ridiculous humming noise,"

"Near Hagrid's cabin" Ron piped up.

"Near Hagrid's cabin," Hermione repeated, rolling her eyes. Harry smirked inwardly.

_Finally. An adventure only five minutes from his whereabouts! He'd had enough of trecking across the country like last time. Who cared about Horcrux's anyway, his shoes got dirty! Here was an adventure that they could solve and be home in time for deal or no deal. Oh Noel...why couldn't Horcrux's be in one of THOSE boxes. Caves are cold and..._

"HARRY,"

"I'm listening, yes, of course I am...to my inner thought that is hehe,"

"...you realise we can still hear you...right?"

"...they can hear me? Noel? Are you there?"

Hermione and Ron shared a look. Yes he was the boy who lived but that didn't mean he was sane. Or clever. Or anything really.

"Team Golden Gryffindor go go go!" they put their hands together forming a triangle of love and power the punched the air, glitter falling around them, framing their beautiful faces in...glitter.

"Hey guys! It's me Neville," said Neville, appearing from behind the sofa "remember when I came on that adventure with you guys?"

"...do we know you?" Ron asked, absently mindedly dancing.

"yeah! Come on you guys, I was there at the Ministry of Magic with the death and the dying and the blood and the oh god the nightmares...I have them everynight...but I get through them knowing I have friends like you," Neville looked at the Golden Trio with love and affection.

"Uh...yeah Neville. We're gonna play a game now. It's called who can hide under the sofa for the longest!"

"I can! I can!" Neville said raising his hand. Harry clapped him on the shoulder.

"That's my boy. One day you'll be a man," Harry said, wiping a tear from his eye. Neville glowed with pride and the three floated out the common room.

"That's him sorted," he said as they walked through the great corridor into the great hall and past the great stairs, into the great garden where Hagrid's hut lay.

"Shhhhhh," Ron whispered (there he goes again with that whispering...Harry began to wonder whether Molly Weasley...seemingly innocent, had beaten the boy had he raised his voice above 20 decibels...bless his ginger soul)

"I hear it," he continued quietly. Harry's ears twitched like a house elf's.

"I hear it too!" Harry exclaimed, before hugging his friend "Oh Ron...you were right, for _once _you were right!"

"Would you guys shut up!" Hermione stage whispered. Indeed the sound was gathering momentum, getting louder...and closer. A strange humming noise, never heard before in the wizarding realm.

The gathered close as...the horrible sight, a sight that should never be seen by human eyes, or avian, a sight which scarred Harry for the rest of his life. Every night he awoke to the image of...

_Hagrid riding a segway._

"Oh my GOOOOOODDDD," Harry cried, rubbing his eyes to stem the bleeding. The giant was gliding across the grounds on...what could only be described as...a segway. Because...er...it was asegway. Hagrid seemed to be channelling the spirit of the mall cop as he drifted past effortlessly at 14 mph.

"Ha...Hagrid!" Hermione shrieked pointing. Her hair became bushier (yes...it were possible) and Harry watched in amazement as the eyebrows practically _began to hibernate._

"Aye, it is me. Hagrid," he said, leaping off the machine which continued to move, peering over his darkened shades.

"Hagrid...what? What are you doing? And why are you talking like a pirate?" Harry asked.

"Argh, well ya see my boy, I took the theory test on Wednesday, passed the practical on Thursday and bought this bad boy yesterday," Hagrid said, stroking the machine tenderly.

"But Hagrid..." Hermione asked, about to continue. Hagrid sighed.

"Sigh. You're going to ask how it's working, a muggle machine, in Hogwarts, when it shouldn't and you're about to quote something from Hogwarts..A History,"

"...actually I was going to say...Segways are illegal in the UK," she said sadly. Hagrid gasped.

"What? Are you saying I'm" his eyes narrowed "_breaking the law,"_

"Well, muggle law but..." Hermione began.

"I am a felon!" Hagrid cried, grasping his bosom and howling in pain.

"That's never stopped you before," Ron pointed out. Hagrid stroked his beard.

"Aye, that be true. But only wizarding laws mind you, not the law set by our Queen and county, god bless her!" he began to sing the national anthem in falsetto, oblivious to Ron's 'We have a Queen?' comments.

"Hagrid...you sounded like Mika!" Hermione gasped.

The end.

Next episode: Nevillexplant. "I swear Neville's been spending allot of time alone...in his room. But he always brings the plant!


	2. Nevillexplant

"Neville's been mighty suspicious lately," Ron mused whilst idly fondling Harry's face (much to his disdain)

"Yes, I had noticed," Harry replied, swiping the offending hand from his perfect porcelain skin. Of course he was perfect, he was the boy who lived. Everything was perfect, even his toenails. They grew in the shape of lightening bolts.

"Speaking of which who Is Neville?" he asked, pausing to think.

"We told him to hide behind a sofa about a month ago, he stayed there for two weeks. You stood on him twice," Ron interjected. Harry nodded wisely.

"Aaaah yes. Neville, nice boy, lacking in masculinity and the ability to live numerous times like certain people...not really my type,"

A bushy shadow fell across them like the shadow of Bear Grylls.

"What are you boys talking about," Hermione asked, bossy tones killing her potentially attractive voice.

"Neville," they replied in unison. She nodded.

"Ahh yes, I have noticed him scuttling off to his room allot. He spends most his time alone there, murmuring to himself," she pondered. Harry raised a delicate boy who lived brow.

"You don't live in the boys dormitories Hermione, how would you know?" he asked, imagining a complicated set up involving camera. What if they were strategically placed to watch him, Harry, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, sitting in his room...LIVING!

"I know because I know everything about everyone and every place...I even know what colour underwear you're wearing," she looked pointedly at Ron "you're wearing Chudley Canonns underwear, which clashes horribly with your hair, and Harry," she stared hard at Harry, channelling her underwear-guessing-abilities "If I'm correct, you're not wearing any,"

"I cannot be contained by cotton," Harry exclaimed, a flag appearing behind him as though by magic "how else will I truly LIVE!"

Ron cleared his throat.

"Anyway, back to problem in hand, Neville," he said, his eyes shifting awkwardly to his apparently semi naked best friend. At that very moment, in a coincidence that could only occur in a novel or film, Neville walked in, concealing a rather large object beneath his robes.

"Whatcha got there Neville?" Ron said casually, gliding over. Neville appeared nervous.

"Oh hi Ron," he said chewing his lip slightly "I thought you guys weren't talking to me after the whole sofa thing and the ministry of magic and the death and the blood and oh god why did I mention this it's happening again in my mind,"

"Right," Harry said loudly over Neville's incessant babbling. "What's under your robes?" he asked. Neville stopped muttering and twitched.

"Nothing," he said. Another twitch.

"He's twitching!" Ron whispered loudly so that everyone and everything on this Earth could hear. Even the deaf. And dead.

Harry whipped back Neville's robe to reveal...

"A plant?" Hermione asked. Neville nodded nervously.

"It's not any plant, it's the Audry 2 plant, that I found in the forests of Transylvania, in a coffin at midnight," Neville said twitching.

"Meh," Harry shrugged, "sounds legit," and with that the trio left Neville and the plant to their own devices.

* * *

Neville hurried up the winding stairs to the boys dormitory stopping only when the flashbacks became too intense to handle. He stroked the plant.

"It's okay baby, we're not in that terrible place anymore. Here you're free to photosynthesise as much as you like, and I'm free to wear cardigans as much as I like and no one can stop me!"

he said passionately. The plant began to coo, it's leaves nuzzling his hand.

"I know you want blood, but I haven't got any fingers left!" he said, holding up a stump. How no one noticed he was fingerless, especially as he was a wizard and therefore required to hold a wand, he wasn't sure. But then again no one ever paid him any attention.

The plant hummed sadly.

"I know you're hungry, but blood is not a sustainable diet!" Neville cried. He loved the plant dearly, it had treated him better then any human had done, wizard or muggle, and yet he was trapped in an abusive relationship with this piece of vegetation that insisted on draining him if his vital fluids...blood that was.

The plant started to whine. It reminded him of the screams of the ministry...no, he could not think of that, he must satisfy the plant, no matter the cost.

"Are you really that hungry?" he whispered. The plant nodded. Neville thought.

"I suppose...there are a few people round here that no one would miss. Big beefy boys like Crabbe and Goyle would certainly fulfil your voracious appetite," he murmured. The plant began to hiss, almost as thought it were about to...

"Are you going to speak?" Neville asked, his eyes widening in awe.

"Yesssssh," The plant said quietly.

"How are you speaking? You have no tongue!" Neville wondered.

"Tongues are for the weak, who lie behind sofas and are trod on," the plant flicked it's vines in an aggressive manner. Neville felt intimidated by this display of dominance, yet at the same time slightly turned on.

"Why are you being so harsh? I've looked after you Audrey, I've given you sunshine, I've given you rain, you've given me nothing but heart ache and pain!" he sang.

"Shut yo mouth bitch," the plant hissed "fetch me my bloated beefy boy blood" it said, using repetitive allitteration to confuse and frighten Neville...it worked.

"So many 'b's!" he shrieked.

"Shut up fool, and get to work, or you know what'll happen," the plant seemed to smirk.

"No...no...not the urethra!" Neville paled, his eyes wide with horror. The plant crawling up his...special place had felt odd, almost pleasant the first time, but after that the strange punishment had clawed at the edges of his sanity, almost as much as the ministry!

"I will, I will!" he said bowing humbly and plotting the murders of our very own Crabbe and Goyle.

* * *

"Hey!" Ron said, sitting upright in his chair suddenly the day after the unusual conversation about and with Neville.

"What?" Hermione said, knowing whatever it was would never be as clever as anything she would say. Ever.

"I remember something from the other day actually...I swear I heard Neville shouting in his sleep...something about his urethra?" Ron said dramatically.

Hermione scoffed. "Well it must be a nightmare Ronald and frankly I don't see how on Earth it could be related to a plant,"

The world watched as Ron's self esteem lowered even more into the depths of his ginger hair.

"Well if he had a nightmare...which I doubt. I mean, I have nightmares, I see Cedric dying and all that. His hair that is, it's gone this horrible bronze shade. His eyes are pretty funny too, all gold and...weird. Well what I'm saying is, if I have nightmares then Nevilles can't be as boy livedy as mine," Harry nodded, in a smug boy who lived sort of way. Applause came from no where, and a tear rolled gently down his cheek. He wiped it in slow motion. It fell to the ground and a kitten was born.

The door to the dormitory opened and a twitchy Neville walked in.

"Who's that," Ron said squinting. "No it's not Ed Sheeran...kind of like Wellington Boot...Welly Shortbottom?"

"That's Neville, the boy we met only last week who we were discussing yesterday!" Hermione hissed.

"Oh yeaaaaah," Ron said, immediately losing interest.

"How ya doin' Neville my son," Harry asked, sidling up "and what have you got in those strangely human shaped body bags?" he asked.

"Nothing," Neville twitched "Not dead bodies, oh no no, definitely not. Killing people, that is my least favourite thing to do," he twitched again, trying to head towards the dorm.

"I don't think so Neville, not till we know what's in those bags," Hermione said striding over.

"Laundry. Two eleven stone and five pound bags of laundry. I had...red on them. Yes. Lots of red on my clothes," he said. Harry considered this perfectly plausible explanation.

"Hmm...sounds pretty legit to me guys," he said gesturing to Ron and Hermione "you may proceed unknown person,"

The trio watched as Neville heaved the heavy laundry load up the stairs.

"That's my boy," Harry said, saluting his exit.

"Harry for god sake put some underwear on!"

end.

next episode: Harry falls in love with his own reflection? Nevilles plant woes ensue? Where's the segway gone!


End file.
